Hopeful

I was finally able to meet with the lactation consultant today and of course Ella would latch and act PERFECTLY for her!  She kept saying how great it looked and how she was just doing wonderfully and of course it didn't feel excruciating as it does at home.  Of course.  Then when I feed her at home it really doesn't feel quite so bad buuuut she ends up getting hungry again in like 45 minutes!  Seriously?  So I gave her some formula to supplement and I really hope that buys me some time.  Honestly, when you breastfeed it seems like that is all you do.  Although I was able to get her feeding time down to 30ish  minutes like she wanted me to, and that was because she did latch on pretty well this time.  If only we can keep it up.  If I were to be 100% honest though, I'd have to admit that I'm still on the fence about what to do.  I'm still not enjoying it and the lactation consultant mentioned that at around 3 mos. is when they will look up at you and smile and that it feels so wonderful.  The only problem is I will be back at work way before then and she will definitely be feeding from a bottle all day while at daycare so I would miss that anyway.  Ugh.  It's like I just can't win! 

Breastfeeding Baby Blues

So I really dislike breastfeeding.  I'm probably a horrible mother for saying that but it's true.  It's painful, frustrating for me and her, extremely time consuming, painful, messy, exhausting, painful, difficult to get the hang of, difficult to get a good latch, and did I mention painful?  I feel so frustrated that it's not going as easy as I was told it would.  You are constantly led to believe that breastfeeding is a wonderful experience that helps you build a strong bond with your baby, is such a natural thing, and will go smoothly but what you don't find out is that it is so hard!  It literally takes me an hour to for one feeding and then I'm supposed to turn around and do it all over again in an hour and a half.  I don't feel like I bond with her at all when she's screaming and crying and I'm trying to force her to latch on.  Then when she finally does it's always a bad latch that is excruciating.  Granted if I've taken my Motrin and Vicoden then it doesn't hurt quite so bad but when those pain meds are wearing off it's horrid.  I have read all that I can about how to breastfeed, we took a class before she was born that was supposed to help with all of these issues, I've watched videos about how to get a good latch and how to make breastfeeding easy and I am supposed to have an appt. with a lactation consultant today to help with the soreness, latch issues, and milk supply and if I don't come away from that meeting feeling much better about breastfeeding I'm seriously considering going straight to formula.  I feel like such a failure for not being able to do it though.  I really wanted to do this and I wanted to pump when I went back to work because I know how great breast milk is supposed to be for babies but I think formula might be better for my mental health.  And there are so many moms who don't breastfeed and their babies turn out perfect.  I just wish it was easier because I'm stressed enough as it is and I hate that the list of things I'm worried about keeps getting longer and longer.  I just want to enjoy the time I have with her and this breastfeeding thing is just making things less enjoyable.  :(

Ella Grace

Baby Ella was born exactly one week ago today at 5:05pm!  It's been a pretty long but good week.  Both our moms came this week to help us out around the house and cook and buy us food so we didn't have to worry about it.  It's been pretty interesting having a baby around the house and it really will take some getting used to but honestly she has been such a good baby so far.  I'm hoping it stay this good.  She hasn't been too fussy yet and her sleeping at night has really been great.  She has been waking up once or twice a night for feedings and other than that she has slept.  Seriously I really cannot complain!  Here's some pictures of my little cutie patootie!

First last day

So today is my first day on maternity leave.  It is currently 6:30 am and I have been up since 5:10am.  Well before that really, but that's when my feet touched the floor.  I thought this might be my last day to sleep in for some time so I turned off my alarm clock but I'm not sure how to turn off the internal one.  I literally lost sleep last night thinking about all of the school stuff I didn't do yesterday and thought of the poor sub coming in and seeing no order whatsoever.  In actuality it wasn't that bad but I did have to rush out of there yesterday for a doctor's appt. so I couldn't take my time and make sure everything was done like I wanted it.  Plus I have already emailed a note to our secretary with notes for the sub that I neglected to leave yesterday.  I just couldn't get those last few things out of my head and so I got up, obsessed over the note a bit, finally sent it, then got on facebook for what was going to be just a few moments and here I am, an hour and a half later and still up. Another factor in my inability to get a good night's sleep was that I managed to catch a cold somehow.  Actually I know exactly how, I have had kids coughing all week, all around me, on me, one even coughed right in my face.  I remember thinking, as the air from the cough brushed across my face, I bet I get sick.  Not even  high doses of Germ-X, hand washing, and good ol' fashioned OJ drinking could fight the fight.  I'm really hoping it doesn't interfere with my inducement later today.  I really want that to go smoothly and, let's be honest, quickly.